The Dinner Diaries, episode 2

Tonight on the menu we have: Primal Tacos! (Everyone lovesss tacosss!)

Ingredients

 (1) head of Heart of Romaine lettuce, (1.5) lbs of ground beef, (1) package low sodium taco mix, (1) green pepper, (1) yellow onion, (1) 16oz container of sour cream, (1) package of shredded Mexican cheese, and (1) jar of Pace mild chucky salsa.

Directions

Wash and pat dry the Hearts of Romaine lettuce. With a knife, cut the end of the stalks off to allow all the leaves to be seperate.

Wash and pat dry the green pepper. With a knife cut the pepper in quarters and then empty it of the seeds. Once it’s clean, cut the 4 pieces into thin strips.

In a 6″ skillet add enough oil to slightly coat the bottom of the pan. Once completely heated on 6.5 heat, add your green peppers. While they are starting to cook, cut up and peel the yellow onion. Cut it into strips as well.

Once you can feel the peppers getting soft, add in your yellow onion pieces. Allow them to cook through until they’re golden brown. Add more oil to the pan as needed to prevent burning.

In a 10″ skillet, heat up just a drop of oil on 6.5 heat. Once completely heated, add the 1.5 lbs of ground beef. Cook this in the skillet until there is no pink left.

Follow the directions on the taco seasoning packet to finish of the flavoring of the meat. (Stirring in 2/3 cup of water and the mix, letting it come to a boil, then letting it simmer for 3-4 minutes).

Once these two things are completely cooked, take some meat in a bowl, add shredded cheese and sour cream, and mix together.

Place two spoonfuls of meat/cheese/sour cream mix in the natural crease of the lettuce leaf. Add a few pieces of peppers and onions to the top, and a spoonful of salsa.

Wrap up the side of the lettuce and enjoy your Primal Tacos!!

Easily serves two!

Mother May I? – The Awkward Conversation

One thing I really dislike the most in this world is having awkward/difficult/emotional conversations with my mother. Yes, everyone says you should be able to tell your mother anything and everything. Maybe for some mother-daughter relationships that’s true. But for me, I’ve always found it incredibly difficult.

First, you have to understand that my mother is a very strong-willed and dominating woman. It’s where I get my stubbornness from (yay). She has very clear and specific opinions of things, and very clear and specific expectations of the people in her life. She will give you crap, yell, scream, or give you the silent treatment until you stop whatever it is that you’re doing that she doesn’t like, and either do it the way she wants or stop it all together. Now all of this isn’t to say she doesn’t have a fiercely loyal and loving side, because she does, but she can be very difficult to deal with at times too.

For example, my entire childhood and into my teenage years I was never allowed to have long hair. That’s right, I had a bowl cut from the age of 6, and various other short dues, until I went off to college. I bet you can only imagine the torture I endured as a teenager with very short hair and being slightly overweight. Teenager sure are loving to those that are even the slightest bit, “different” (Gahhhh).  Anyway, any time I wanted to grow out my hair and be “normal” my mom would pitch a fit and tell me I would look horrible. I would, “look so much better if I just kept my hair short.” Talking to her about it now she claims she wasn’t trying to damage my self-esteem, but these passive agressive comments did just as much damage to me as the blantant/blunt statements from her parents did to her. *sigh* The never ending cycle.

There have been various other battles with my mother over the course of the years. Me not wanting to attend CCD anymore. Me wanting to drop out of my first college and transfer somewhere else. Basically anything that goes against what she feels I should be doing causes a huge argument. I bet you can only imagine the agrument, and continuing fight we have, about my most recent decision to move to Virginia in the next few months…..Yeahhhh. If I get out of town alive, it’ll be a miracle.

I can’t really blame her for the way she is though. Her mother didn’t have a mother, and therefore didn’t know any better. She was ruthless to my mom and still is today. Of course, they both have their amazing qualities, but there are some glaring imperfections too (rest assured I’m not so naive enough to think I don’t have them too, thank you very much ahah).

The one thing I will say about the cycle is, it’s ending with me. I won’t fall into the role my mother has with her mom like she’s grooming me to do. I will make it different, even if I wind up feet cemented together and thrown at the bottom of the lake. And if I do make it out of this move and life decision alive, I will make sure my relationship with my daughter is different/better than the one I had…Every daughter says that though. Ohhh wellz.

Going Grok, Primal Style – A Word on Headaches

I think one of the shittiest things about stopping eating bread, pasta, potatoes, sugar, pretty much all carbs except the ones you get from veggies naturally, is the nasty HORRIBLE headaches that come from it.

I’m a very avid carb lover. Garlic bread. Garlic bread with cheese. Pasta. Pizza. Mac and cheese (homemade and box). Stuffing (homemade and box). Bagels. French fries. Chips. The list could go on forever. Any processed, terrible food for you, I absolutely adore. I swear I was Italian in a past life with how much I love carbs! It’s kinda of ridiculous. Well, there’s no kinda about it. It’s ridiculous. And I can’t explain the love I have for them. I know, logically understand, that they are not good for you. But it doesn’t stop me from craving them. All. The. Time!

I’m trying to let my willpower win out over my desire to eat all of these things, but it’s a constant battle. It sucks! I think if I didn’t get the headaches then it wouldn’t be as bad. But alas, I’m not that lucky. I’ve got to go through the shitty detox just like everyone else starting the Primal Lifestyle. I guess now I sorta understand what my clients go through with their detox. Theirs are worse though.

Just gotta stick with it. It’s worth it, right?……Right. That’s what I keep telling myself.

I’m going to go eat a carrot stick now.

Yay.

The Follies of Working Overnights – RIP

I’m not sure if this is really a folly of working overnights, or just a sad reality of the field I work in. Regardless, I felt the need to write a post about it anyway.

Today when I came into work I found out one of our fairly regular clients had shot and killed himself this afternoon in a local park. No one knows why he did it yet as police are still investigating. The homeless community has been shaken, and our clients are having a very difficult time processessing it all.

My heart goes out to the client’s family and friends. Such a terrible tragedy.

If you feel you are in need of support dealing with addictions, suicidal thoughts, or any other issues for yourself or someone else, please seek help immediately. There’s absolutely no time to waste. These tragedies don’t need to happen.

Stay safe everyone.

Mother May I? – The Passive Agressive Remark

Ohhh, mothers. How we can’t live with them, but we can’t live without them. Or can we? Sometimes it sure feels like I could go quite a bit of time without having to deal with mine. Just listen to that: “deal with mine”. The words already scream, “I hate my mother”, don’t they? Maybe it’s just me, but now that I’ve graduated college and lived on my own for a while, things have become quite different between my mother and I.

There used to be a time where I would do anything my mother would tell me to do without even thinking about it. Clean your room. Do the dishes. Get a haircut. Anything and everything she would tell me when to do it and how to do it, all the way until high school. High school! I know. I was a sad child. Fat and whipped (figuratively). Yayy me! No wonder I’m crazy..juuust kidding.. Kinda.

But then, something change. The Boy walked into my life. Yes, you got it. I fell for a boy. Everything about him I adored. Any idea or thought he had, I completely agreed with. A follower much? Yes, yes I was. But in the many years we’ve been friends, he’s pushed me to become my own person. He forced me to break out from underneath my mothers thumb and do what I, me!, wanted to do for the first time in my life. He empowered me to ask the questions: what does it matter what my room looks like? I’m the one living in it; I’ll do my own personal dishes, but do your own; and finally, no–I won’t keep the boy haircut anymore. He taught me it was okay to question what my mother told me because she was only human too and didn’t have all the answers either. Wow, what a shocking difference, huh?! My high school friends still tease me to this day about how I used to be. But it’s ok….I kinda deserve it.

Needless to say it wasn’t an easy transition between my mother and I. There was a lot of fighting, harsh words, nasty comments, and water works. I don’t remember now what the first thing was that pissed her off, but I do know one of the biggest fights was about me dropping out of the college she picked and going where I wanted to go. She refused to help  me finanically and I worked my ass off to pay for the first deposit. Once I was settled at school, and doing well, she finally warmed up to the fact that it was a good move on my part.

But she hasn’t liked me gaining independence. Not in the slightest. The passive aggressive remark has become her best friend, using it whenever she can to gain some ounce of control back over me. She does it to wound my confidence and hurt my self-esteem because those were the two things she lacked the most when she was my age. Even now, I think she still lacks them after almost 60 years of life. I only recongize it, what she’s doing to me these days, after therapy and anti-depressants and time away from her. I’ve learned there’s a pattern between her mother and her, and it was continuing with the relationship she and I had, until I stopped it. 

Now with me blabbering on about how our relationship sucks and what not, I want to make it clear: though I hate how she is and what she does, I do love her. She can push my buttons like no other person can, but I have the same effect on her. Just yesterday I was reminded of both why I love and hate calling her when I’m upset. I get some of what I need, and a lot of what I don’t. It’s always the way with us. C’est la vie. I will say this, I’m a litter terrified to be moving back in for a couple of months while I save up some money. I know we’re going to butt heads a lot and I’m not really looking forward to it. The stories I’ll have to share are sure to be entertaining in the least.

The Follies of Working Overnights – When the Stomach Attacks

Biology really sucks sometimes, doesn’t it? I hated learning about it in high school and I have come to find it’s still haunting me to this day. Not in quite the creepy way as the demon did to the main characters in Paranormal Activity, but in enough of a way that it irritates the crap out of me. What I’m talking about specifically is: genes. The traits you inheret from your oh-so-loving parents that decided procreating was exactly what they wanted that night twenty years ago when they both had one too many mojitos at the work holiday party. Sure they probably realized their mistake a few years later once the baby fat wore off and the terrible twos had set in. But don’t worry, they knew they had a lifetime to torture you for their bad decision.

Though rambling on about what parents put their children through could be a very interesting blog topic, or series of blog topics (hmm…good idea!), what I’m talking about is the biological traits you just naturally get stuck with because of who your parents are. For example, I have fine but thick hair like my aunt, brown hair like my mothers, but my dad’s eye shape. I have my grandmother’s height and somewhat of her body shape, while I have my grandfather’s fierce sense of right/wrong and his temper to boot. But I’m also talking about things as awesome as my dad’s skin that only tans after the first summer burn (score!), and things not as awesome like my mom’s terrible bowels (not so much score!) Not that anyone really wants to hear my complaints about my stomach and digestive issues, they really are starting to get the best of me.

My stomach has been quite the finiky thing since I started working overnights. First,  it became very upset with me any time I tried taking my birth control before work AND planned to eat something within the next 12 hours. I would make these huge elabroate “lunches” (other people’s middle of the night snack), be totally stoked to eat it, then would want to vomit at the sight of it when it came time to eat it at 4am. Wonderful. And no, I wasn’t pregnant (that’s what the pill was for!).  After several weeks of the back and forth of bringing food and wanting to die, then not bringing food and starving, I found a happy medium. Things went well and smooth for a while. Yay! I finally beat the stomach monster! Nope, guess again.

My next stomach adventure consisted of all normal bowel function being halted. In the most painful, dread-going-to-the-toilet kind of way. I’ll spare you the details (you’re welcome), and leave it at knowing it was complete bowel torture. This has been going on for about 2 weeks now (2 weeks too long if you ask me), but I thought I had found an even better solution to the potential vomity stomach at work thinkg. I decided to take my birth control pill in the morning when I got home from work, that way I wouldn’t risk getting nauseous at work at all. Such a smart idea, right?! It’s been working mostly well, until this mornig….That’s right. I’ve got the vomity stomach and the complete bowel torture going on. It’s totally a lovely day to be my body.

Maybe the terrible stomach is because of the runny, stuffy nose thing I got going on right now. My parents were sick when I saw them this weekend, and it is possible I’m carrying around some disease with me. If that’s the case, overnights will get just a little more fun…(Catch the sarcasm there?). I do also have a doctor’s appointment on the 21st for the bowel torture to see if I can remedy that and stop having to bargain with the devil everytime nature calls for number two.

I’ll try to keep the next Folly posts a little less TMI about what’s going on with the body, but it is one of the side effects from working 10pm to 8am, 4 days a week. Just figured I’d share and warn those others who having been contemplating taking on an extra shift or two at the 24-hour store overnight of the potential things they’ll come up against. Honesty is always the best policy after all, and you don’t get much more honest than talking about complete bowel torture and vomity stomach. Who would want to make shit up about that? (Yes, the pun was intended.)

The Dinner Diaries, episode 1

For dinner tonight we have: Chicken Ceaser Salad.

Ingredients

(1) Perdue pre-cooked chicken strips, (1) bag of organic Italian lettuce, (1) container of shredded parmesan cheese, (1) package of garlic cheese croutons (I know! I’m cheating, but I need the crunch of croutons in this salad. I can’t help it. It’s just not the same without them. Sue me. Butttt if you folks are truly going Primal, skip the croutons), and (1) jar of Maries Creamy Ceaser dressing.  

Steps

Take a good sized handful of Italian lettuce in a bowl.

Cut the Perdue chicken strips into smaller, bite-size pieces. Place these on top of the lettuce.

Add as much desired parmesan cheese and croutons.

Top with about 2-3 tablespoons of salad dressing.

Enjoy!

Makes 3 meals.

Going Grok, Primal Style – What was I Thinking?!

Weight has always been an issue for me. Yes, I know. How original. A girl with a self image/weight issue. Surprise, surprise. But think what you want, and don’t read it if you don’t wanna hear it. I’m gonna talk about it anyway. Ever since I hit middle school and went through the awkward, “kill me know”, teen years, I’ve had this ongoing, love/hate relationship with food. Food became my friend. When everything else was going wrong in my life (or so I dramatically thought at the time), I knew I could count on food to be there for me. It always tasted the same, it never changed. It was the one constant I had and so desperately needed at the time.

Talking with my mother now, she’s told me when I was younger food was not an issue for me. She tried not to make it an issue. I ate what I wanted and then just played extra hard to work it off later. I didn’t know any different. I was a normal kid. But once I got older, I sought my own comfort from food once I saw how my older relatives did it. It all spiraled out of control for about the past 9ish years. My senior year of college I weighed the most I ever have. 217lbs. (Gross!) At 5’7″, I never really looked too over weight, but I was significantly over what was considered “healthy” for my height.

I’ve tried I can’t tell you how many times to change my eating habits enough to lose the weight. I’ve started work out plans and New Year’s Resolutions to, “do better this year!”, or, “do better now!”. But all to no avail. I always seemed to let myself down. Even now, I still have some trouble sticking to what I set my mind to with food plans and healthy eating after about a month or so. I’m gonna work on that haha. The reason why I’m bringing all of it up though is the new “diet”, I prefer to call it a “lifestyle” (how fancy, right?) even though I sound ridiculous saying it, I’ve tried and loved.

The Primal Blueprint by Mark Sisson has truly changed my life. In the month and half that I really stuck to the Primal eating habits he talked about, I dropped 23lbs!! I’ve been hovering around a solid 194lbs since the beginning of September when I started being “less strict” with what I ate (I started the lifestyle in August). I’ve just been eating SO much less than what I used to. I feel a ton better and absolutely LOVE LOSING WEIGHT! Finally, for the first time ever I’ve lost a significant amount of weight. Now, it’s time to keep going. I’m excited about the prospect of getting to my goal weight, but with the other stresses in my life I’ve very easily let it fall by the way side. Time to find my motivation again!! *Fingers crossed*

So why did I do this? Who did I hear about it? Well, this wonderful, now, boyfriend of mine. In all his internet research he discovered this about 9 months ago. He instantly fell in love with it but couldn’t follow the diet since he doesn’t buy the groceries in his house. So (haha, I bet you were waiting for this), he turned his attention to me to get me to do it, to see if it works. Seems legit enought, right? Well….about that…

At first, I resisted. I resisted hard. I thought it was stupid and absolutely impossible. I refused to listen and bitched about it whenever he would bring it up. He let it slide for about a month, but then he started talking about it again. How beneficial it thought it would be for me, and how great I would look. Of course he made sure I knew I was “perfect” already (yeah sure haha), but that this would just make me a knock-out. After months of him sending me article after article, and droning on and on about it, I finally gave in.

I looked into it. I read the research Mark Sisson puts in all of his articles and, shockingly, I was convinced. Just like that. In a matter of 3 hours, my whole preception of food and eating completely changed. Sure, I still slip, but I am so much more aware of what I’m putting into my body than I ever used to be. Once my life and the hours I work (see the Follies of Working Overnights for the reason I don’t do it too much now, only when I can) are all back to normal, I’ll get back into the lifestyle. I know my parents will support me and help me in whatever way they can. Hell, I might even get them to join in!

Sometimes I ask myself, “What was I thinking?!” by starting this. I miss the breads and the pasta and oh-so-tempting processed foods, but I enjoy feeling great that much more. And looking like a hottie is always a benefit too. I challenge everyone to look into it. Right now, right this second….No, seriously. Right this second. You’ll thank me later.

The Follies of Working Overnights – Memory Lane, for real this time.

When I first started writing this morning, I had intended on taking a trip down memory lane. Sure, it wasn’t going to be the most pleasant of journeys. These particular memories don’t really sit well in my stomach, and tend to make me feel uncomfortable and sad all over again. They do, however, show me how much has changed for the better and reassure me that where I’m headed in life is exactly the direction I need to keep going.

In my late-night, aimless web surfing I stumbled upon a blog post from a fairly important person in my past. Curious, because her writing always captivated me, I opened it and started reading. I was surprised after just a few lines into it because it sounded like she was talking about a relationship with a mutual friend of ours. Figuring this out, or so I thought, I began thinking about how things seemed to spiral out of control so quickly and how life is just so different now compared to 2 years ago.

Reading this post, along with all of her other ones, and my stupid, often endless, mental wanderings left me in a fairly somber mood by the time first shift came into work to releave me of my duty. I tried to shake the feeling by talking to The Boy on the phone, but I found my sad nature had quickly manifested itself into fear of repeating past mistakes and fear of the future. Though talking to him always helps, I still couldn’t quite shake the feeling. I checked in with my mom, and qucikly remembered why I both love and hate calling her when I feel like I did. I get some of what I need (reassurance, love, listening ear) and a lot of what I don’t need (you need to do this this this this and this). SO, you win some and lose some.

If one thing is to be learned from this Folly post, don’t wander down negative memory lane while working overnight. It will only lead to sad/bad moods and phone calls you should only make when in a good mood. Next time, heed the signs on the side of the path that repeatedly scream, “Turn Back.”, “No, Seriously turn around.”, “STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING AND TURN AROUND RIGHT THIS SECOND!”, and finally, “Ok idiot. You deserve it now.”

The Follies of Working Overnights – Memory Lane, well sort of.

There’s something quite unique that happens to a person who is forced to abandon all sense of the usual, normal routine of sleeping. That is, sleeping when it’s light out and working during the night time. It goes against everything our bodies tell us to do. No matter how much sleep you may added up during the day, there’s nothing that will equate the restfulness of having your head on a pillow between the hours of 12am and 8am. Absolutely nothing. Trust me, I know from experience.

Caveman Grok never pulled the overnight shift manning and maintaining the fire back in the day. Hell, no one did. They let that shit die out, just as they should, so they had energy and spunk to get them through the day of running away from saber-tooth tigers and killing mammoths for dinner. Who cares what happens during the night. I know I certainly didn’t, until I took this job. No one in God’s great earth should be awake overnight. But alas it’s a necessary evil.

Us weary-watchers of the night are needed to work the overnight shifts at the 24-hour store to ensure those hormonal, pregnant women get their pickles and icecream  at 3am; for those customers that just couldn’t sleep until the rig was gassed up in case there’s a gasoline shortage that happens in the four hours they close their eyes; or for those bargain shoppers that don’t trust the butcher will have that exact 13.4lbs Thanksgiving turkey when they wake up at a normal hour. No, we can’t have any of these people go without. Instead, we sacrifice ourselves of a sane, coherent life so all these people can rest assured they have what they need, and can send their unsuspecting, sleeping husbands out in the middle of the night so they have the exact number of toilet paper rolls to get them through the next milennia.

I have mused with my coworkers about how strange things can become and how much stress you truly put on your body by switching from “normal- sleep” to “work-sleep” twice a week. For example, this blog post was originally intended to be about my thought process of certain things tonight, specifically memory lane related things, but here I am going on a tangent about 24-hour stores and Grok, the Caveman. I don’t even work at a 24-hour store! I work at a social detox monitoring people while they sleep, making sure they don’t die. Clearly, I have the more desireable job compared to someone stocking shelves and moving frozen goods around. Ha. Yeah right. In my job I have the potential to be  get puked on by intoxicated clients, yelled at by people scared I woke them up for medication, bitched at by sick women, whined at by sick men, and hit on by sick/drunk/rude men all more than once a night by many different people or just the same person. Oh, it’s a glamorous job indeed.

Really though, despite the hours sucking huge, hairy ballsacks, I have loved this job more than any other. It was the first place I got to put my social work skills to practice, and the first work-family I established. I have learned so many invaluable lessons no education could buy. Which is really ironic considering the amount of money I just dumped into my education. *cough* 120k. *cough cough* Yeahhh, ’bout that….Anyway.

I’m really going to miss it here when I leave at the end of the month. Exactly 11 shifts away (eek!). That’s 110 hours of work left!! Scary, man. This was the start of my career. One I thought I was going to keep for a long while. I did just become a Vermonter after all. But, life sometimes has different plans. Just gotta roll with it or be rolled on. Personally, I don’t want to be squished by a massive blue orb, so I’m cool with going with the changes even if it does mean leaving everything I’ve ever known, and everything I’ve ever worked for behind.

Tim, Gordy, Katie, Mike, Heidi, Christine, Jess, Kim, John, Marcee, Meghan, Kim, Lynn, Maureen, and now Kerry (my replacement): I’m going to miss you all so much. Thank you for everything you’ve taught me. I truly appreciate it more than words can describe.

Now that the tears of change are back, I’m moving on! Moving on to the next blog topic that is. Not actually moving. Not yet, anyway. I refuse to move earlier, damn it. Hmph. *Folds arms*